If you’ve been reading my blog since day 1, you came along stretches of time when I was completely and utterly depressed. I blogged a lot about it, most of which I switched to private, eventually, and others gave different categories that I cannot find now.
The latter part of my previous job had me work in a basement under dreadful conditions. It is there where I believe I contacted whatever it is causing me the eyelash infection as well when I have experienced the very lows of what it means to have everything you can buy and not much else.
I used the money to get a car and slowly over the years make my dream apartment. From living in a studio with very basic furniture to a nice big place my friends would often think is for a married couple (I give credit to my sis for her amazing taste in decoration). I bought everything I would want, had the most exquisite dinners, and lived the “Dubai” that is promoted on TV (well I didn’t have a massage yet, so be kind and give me a voucher!).
However my life was miserable. I had very little friends – most of which left to work or live abroad. The ones who remained have their own lifestyles and social bubbles I cannot always accommodate (and, of course, as it is, people don’t adapt to you but expect you to adapt to them). I didn’t particularly like the type of work I was doing and started enrolling in artistic courses to make myself feel better.
Then I distinctly remember one day, me sitting down there and thinking:
“I wish in a couple of years time I am done with this… that I live life as I want to live it… even if it means living on the edge, financially, and barely making ends meet. I want to experience the thrill of that little pay-check that would make me afford something. I want to do all the things I wanted and freelance and be busy all day but LOVE being busy. I want to be in the creative world, live simply, humbly, remove all these materialistic things that don’t make any sense. I want to feel true happiness. I want to smile from the inside, for once.”
Soon after that I was made redundant, went through another wave of depression. I joined twitter. I have made and met so many amazing friends and amazing people. I am juggling jobs and just barely making ends meet. My monetary resources dropped two digits and I will probably have to break my promise to myself and ask my parents for help (I made a promise never to take money from my parents again).
It is very stressful, especially seeing my other friends rising in their companies, going on with their lives. That’s fine. It is my choice. I wanted to be like this. And here I am. Do I regret it? No. Would I go back? Never. Can this be better? It sure is… I am still exploring. An extra income wouldn’t hurt of course. Though I may be living part of my dream I also must consider the reality of things.
I have never, ever, felt so incredibly happy – even when I am very upset, or stressed, and when I feel there are challenges and obstacles… I feel the drive to overcome them. Because I know this is what I asked for and that it makes me happy.
I am 26, still young. I don’t have a career. I probably can’t afford getting married any time soon (sorry mom), heck I don’t know if I can afford next month.
But I am not defining myself by title, money, company position, marital status, car, income, or the probability that I have denial.
I’m Kinan. Period.