Why Do Women Have SPS?

In my college days (and that was less than a year ago, but I made it sound like it was way back in history right?) me and my friends used to entertain ourselves in the weekends by going to the mall. That was of course before we got to meet people who had cars and before some of us decided to adopt bubbly while others adopted the wild nightlife. We were such losers back then.

Anyway, so our day in the mall would be spent in precisely the following manner. First and foremost we had to exit the bus first. I mean taking that for granted often led to catastrophic effects, like being squished between two incredibly smelly people who probably think a shower is too expensive to buy or just adopted a new lifestyle where they deprive themselves of all the universal pleasures so that they can feel for people in Africa. But then again they wouldn’t be coming to the shopping mall, right?

Upon success and entering the mall – specifically City Center Deira in Dubai – you are confronted with an obstacle course on a colossal scale. Of course everything in Dubai is colossal – they always aim for the “largest” and the “biggest” and think that we are just physically fit to walk a mall that is over 7 km in length – but this is not only colossal, it is dynamic. Yes, I am talking about maneuvering yourself between all the people to get to the cinema booth which is conveniently located at the firther end of the mall, on the second floor.

You meet all sorts of people while doing your slaloms. Most entertaining are the tourists who, for some incredibly odd reason, have it as a habit to just video tape all their moves in the mall so that their family back home can see what they did. Climbing escalators, driving the carts, even standing next to pillars and pointing to the ads on display. “We are in Dubai! Woo Hoo!”.

You also get, on occasion, an in-mall parade. I don’t know how they manage to do that, given the minimal space you have for walking (Dubai has a habit of short-sightedness, they always underestimate the population). You also get contests running in the central regions of the mall – usually the most spacious and most crowded – and you sometimes are forced to just wiggle through people, and have them rub their sweat, mucus, cigs and odors all over your brand new Zara shirt. Not the gay Zara ones mind you. Although on that train of thought, why has Zara Men turned Zara Gay? Anyway.

Certainly, the best contest to make in a mall is to reach from point A to B without bumping anyone.

But the most troublesome obstacle is a brand of human beings called Women. I don’t know what happens to women in shopping malls. For some mysterious reason, probably as a result from the shoe overdose and some mall-specific bacteria found in the air conditioning, woman adopt Sudden Parking Syndrome, where women, usually in groups, suddenly stop walking and resume again. There is absolutely no reason for the sudden parking. They don’t stop to look at items on display. They don’t stop to adjust the babies or themselves or tie their hair. They just stop, like a robot short circuiting, and walk again, like a robot that just restarted.

Honestly, women reading this help me out here: WHY DO YOU JUST STOP WALKING AND THEN WALK? The whole thing takes 2-5 seconds, but for us men or regular human beings (or women who are not undergoing SPS effects) who want to reach the movie booth before they run out of tickets, it is not only annoying, but it is gravity-defiantly stupid. In geek terms, women with SPS are like robots with Windows installed on them.

You women need a cerebral upgrade.