Christmas Story

I was doing some shopping rounds down at Ace Hardware when I spotted their traditional Christmas setup: a miniature village situated around snowy mountain caps. The handiwork was quite admirable; it was obvious that a lot of effort had been invested in the creation of the little village. Having changed my mind on what I wanted to do with my custom-made gifts for this year, on my way out I decided to take some photos with my phone of the setup. Later that evening, in a café , and while shifting through the photos, a story started to build up in my head. Though uploaded on Facebook at the time, I thought I’d share the narrative with you here as well. Enjoy, and Merry Christmas!

 

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Our story begins on a fine White Christmas morning in Nomsburg, a calm village cocooned between Mt. Nomsingheim and Mt. Table Nom. Little Johnny, like all boys his age, is being dragged by his mother, Alice, to visit the family. “Holidays are all about being with family,” she says, trying her best to keep hold of Johnny. “But where’s dad! He’s not coming! And neither are Charlie and Jen!” Sad little Johnny; he woke up late this morning.

 

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Robert was busy with his choir, singing all sorts melodies in an attempt to instill a feeling of warmth in the bitter, cold day. Robert is no stranger to bitterness; he’s not leading the life he aspired to live, but has to. Often, he parallels his life with that of Alice whenever she comes to church, carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders. Everyone in Nomsburg knew of her marital problems; her husband, Tim, has pretty much been the catalyst in creating everyone else’s marital problems. Only problem with Robert is that he has to keep his problems to himself.

 

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Meanwhile, Charlie and Jen are having a blast at the local fair, the only place in Nomsburg with a green patch of land. “Glad we woke up early,” cheered Charlie gleefully at his sister, “Imagine having to go see Aunt Betty.” Who would blame them? Aunt Betty is not exactly a role model for anything that’s good in the world; the only reason she’s not dead is because God doesn’t want her up there. “I know, good grief I would murder myself,” Jen replied dismissively. “Now give me that popcorn.” Fun times for Charlie and Jen. Sad little Johnny.

 

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Stumpy (yes, the Gnome — you think I’d keep the little guy out?) has a nice life. Though everyone looks down on him — more than looking down at him — he’s actually a happy midget. He has no debt, he quarrels with no one, he has no Gnomette to make his life miserable, and more importantly, no one gives a shit about him so no one ever meddles in his life. Lucky midget.

 

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Tim. Classy man with a refined taste in china, tea, tobacco, and hats — but not in women. He slept with everyone in Nomsburg except Alice… well of course he had to when Charlie and Jen had to be conceived. Not Johnny though; that sad little kid is a bastard. Poor little Johnny. Anyway, Tim had no intention of going to see Aunt Betty either; he believes she should stay in an asylum. Probably why she lives in Nomsburg.

 

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In the bigger picture of things, though, Nomsburg is a charming, peaceful little place… until Johnny finds out who his real dad is anyway. But no one cares about his dad. He’s just a Gnome, after all.

Jarjuiciyyat Vol. 3

The Grasshopper Incident

Me: O_______________________O
Sis: *walks in* what’s the matter?
Me: *points*
Sis: O_______________________O
Sis: Ok KJ we need to kill it.
Me: NO WAY! I am NOT going to kill that thing!
Sis: It’s in OUR BALCONY and I don’t want it IN MY HOUSE!
Me: FINE! But I am not going to squish it.
Sis: Whatever.
Me: *gets room scented spray*
Sis: What the HELL are you doing?!
Me: What if it smells when it dies!
Sis: It’s a GRASS hopper, it will just smell of GRASS!
Me: Psht! well then, I have an idea
Sis: What?
Me: You know cans, if you keep pressing, they get cold, and the spray gets cold
Sis: aha…
Me: so we will just FREEZE it! Then throw it outside to thaw and resume its life.
Sis: you want to freeze a grasshopper with a scented spray…
Me: think about it! It will not harm us, it will live, AND it will smell nice!
Sis: suit yourself…

the grasshopper died.

Finding a Home

Me: look what I bought! *points to brand new bicycle*
Sis: Where on EARTH are you gonna put it!
Me: here, in the kitchen
Sis: no no, no no no no no, this goes downstairs in the storage
Me: But it’s DARK down there and COLD!
Sis: KJ this is not the time for you to be you.
Me: What if Charlie gets –
Sis: Charlie? It has a name now?!
Me: What if Charlie gets a cold and he breaks down while cycling.
Sis: It’s a STUPID BIKE!
Me: O_O
Sis: And what the heck is THAT! *points to green ribbon*
Me: It’s a ribbon.
Sis: Why did they give you a ribbon!
Me: I asked for it.
Sis: O___O
Me: Well they didn’t wanna give me a discount so I said the least you could do is give me a ribbon!
Sis: Just… put it in the kitchen…

Plumbing Lies

Sis: *after 15 minutes of driving* um KJ
Me: yup?
Sis: I think the flush in my washroom is not working
Me: What?!
Sis: yeah water is always running it’s not stopping.
Me: You’re telling me this NOW?
Sis: I forgot I am sorry! Anyway it’s ok.
Me: What do you mean OK!
Sis: Well it’s not gonna flood the house!
Me: Well even if it doesn’t we will just waste gallons of water till we come back!
Sis: Ok “Mr Environmentalist”
Me: gsdkuhfspiuy! *drives back*

back at home

Me: It’s fine! It’s working fine!
Sis: Oh, sorry then, my mistake..
Me: *notices something different*
Sis: what?
Me: Did you… just change your shoes?
Sis: huh? Oh… tee hee!

Jarjuiciyyat vol. 2

Body Analysis Encore

Trainer: OK I got the results of the body analysis.
Me: shoot.
Trainer: *eyes paper suspiciously and looks at me, then at paper, then at me*
Me: what
Trainer: you lost weight.
Me: BUT HOWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Trainer: I don’t know
Me: That’s impossible. I gained two inches around the waist and some muscle! My friends are telling me I look better. I DO look better and I FEEL better!
Trainer: Yeah… but… in numbers you lost weight
Me: So you’re telling me I gained muscle and gained two inches and lost weight
Trainer: I am also confused
Me: So my body… reshaped itself? I morph now?!
Trainer: Well these things happen
Me:
Trainer: ….
Trainer: So, um, let’s add five more sessions on the house :D
Me: Brilliant :D

Little Girl Ghosts

Me: *calls up friend at 3 AM* dude I can’t sleep
Friend: mmnghh… Malak? Feek eshi? (what’s wrong?)
Me: ya zalameh… afel bab el 2ooda 3ala 7ali w met5abby ta7t el m5addeh (I locked myself in the bedroom and am hiding under the blanket)
Friend: looooooooooooooooooool, bte7ki jad? (you’re kidding right?)
Me: shayefni 3am affel 3aleik ya3ni! (you think I’m joking?!)
Friend: tayyeb… shu fi, mn 2eish 5ayef? (ok, what are you afraid of?)
Me: el bent el sgheereh (the little girl)
Friend: huh?!
Me: ya zalameh, kel ma bet7ammam, besma3 sot benet w kalb (every time I shower I hear a girl’s voice and a dog’s)
Friend: ok
Me: shu ok?! balki tel3etli? (what if she came out?)
Friend: walak 3an jad bte7ki? LOOOOOOOL (are you serious?!)
Me: walak (hey!)
Friend: tayyeb bas tetla3 e3mel 3aleiha pipi LOOOL (if she comes out, piss on her)
Me: &#*#^%
Friend: la jad halla2, ma t5af, aslo elli bet5af menno byetla3lak (seriously though, don’t be scared, if you’re scared of something it will show up)
Me: O__________________O
Friend: LOOOOOOOL walak ehda 3anna bye7kooha la wlad sghar mshan ma y5afo (dude chill we say this to kids so they stop being afraid)
Me: SHU SHAYEFNI WALAD SGHEER (DO YOU SEE ME AS A KID)
Friend: la abadan LOOOOOOOOL (no not at all!)

Chicken vs Cockroaches

Me: man I can’t believe you eat meat
Friend: why? since when you’re vegetarian?
Me: I am not… I just don’t like cow/sheep meet.
Friend: so you eat chicken and fish?
Me: yup
Friend: care to explain?
Me: well, cows have feelings, they’re huggable and have little babies.
Friend: *prays silently*
Me: imagine being also a nice young sheep, rolling around in the grass, and then you’re taken away. Imagine being the mother of that sheep.
Friend: why does God punish me with people like you! What about chicken? Don’t they have feelings?
Me: Chicken are stupid. They can’t even fly. They’re birds waiting to be extinct. It’s our job as humans to eat as many as possible to accomplish it.
Friend: Your logic is… quite something
Me: and fish, well they might evolve into a huge dragon and kill us all.
Friend: aha…
Me: dude killing cows and sheep are like killing spiders
Friend: huh
Me: spiders are intelligent. They help keeping insects out of the house by eating them. Plus they have a soul
Friend: so by your logic you don’t kill insects. And chicken and fish don’t have souls.
Me: No, they have pointless souls. And roaches don’t have souls. They’re demons that should be killed!
Friend: I have no idea how you will ever function in a society

Jarjuiciyyat

Nifty title eh?

Now just in case you thought Moogle is the only stupid one, I present you with KJ’s definition of ridiculous. OK I understand they’re not that hilarious but thats what I remember now… I will be keeping a journal for nahfati.

The Dietitian

Dietitian: KJ you’re not gaining weight, I can’t believe this!
KJ: Well I gained a little weight!
Dietitian: You… you… [swivels screen] you eat the MOST in this center! 2400 calories!
KJ: Ok…
Dietitian: Shu OK?!
KJ: Actually I eat more than what you send me ^_~
Dietitian: [sits back] you know… you make me depressed, like I am not worth my diploma.
KJ: Nooo don’t say that! But you may want to increase the portions…
Dietitian: YOU ALREADY GET THE EXTRA LARGE PORTIONS!
KJ: Okkkkkk……….

The Armani Exchange Store

KJ: I want this *points to underwear*
Salesman: Are you sure sir?
KJ: Um, yeah I am pretty sure.
Salesman: This size sir?
KJ: Why, what’s wrong?
Salesman: Nothing sir!
KJ: You think I don’t know my underwear size?
Salesman: No sir…
KJ: Here look *slips down jeans slightly, lifts underwear and unrolls tag* see?
Salesman: O_O
KJ: good!

Burger King

Woman: Hello sir welcome to Burger King would you like to try our new chocolate soufleh?
KJ: No.
Woma: Ok sir can I take your order?
KJ: Sure. I want two chicken royale meals please.
Woman: That’s all sir?
KJ: *thinks* and a Hershey’s please.
Woman: Why don’t you try the chocolate soufleh sir?
KJ: H-e-r-s-h-e-y-s please *the I-will-maim-you-smile*
Woman: Anything else sir?
KJ: *thinks*
Woman: Sir would you like to try our 6 pack burgers?
KJ: No I am eating alone.
Woman: O_O
Woman: !!!!
Woman: Sir, did you go to the American University of Sharjah?
KJ: huh? Yeah…
Woman: OMG! I knew it was you! You always order the same!
KJ: O_O

Moogle Thoughts Issue #9 – Solving the Water Crisis

Ah! Free at last! This ridiculous, sad, pathetic excuse of a living organism called KJ should be tied to the back of Bugatti and driven around town until he catches fire from the friction. Why a Bugatti? Cuz Moogle kills people in style, of course! I have a rep to keep, you know.

I shall then put the Bugatti on sale using a site created by Qwaider. We all know of his vile evil plans to leech money out of your clicks, so an extra penny will help. The money raised during this “charitable” giveaway will be used to fund my project as outlined below.

Now, for proprietary reasons, I shall formalize the plan according to MOGRI-9019 standards. Morgri the Great is our legendary leader, founder of the Moogles, who got assassinated when he betrayed our clan by fornicating with a pet bunny raised by humans. So you can understand my resentment to KJ.

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Mogri the Great, now available in all stores

MOGRI-9019 Case# 261751: Water Crisis Solution Using the Mogrinton Cauldron to Instantiate Invasion Phase III Outlined by Mortigle 001992-128193.

There! Now that I have met the MOGRI-9019 standards I shall proceed with the elaboration.

As you all know, you humans use a lot of water and waste most of it. Seriously. Except for KJ, who calculates the amount of water he consumes so that his bill always comes out as 250 AED every month.

While of course, getting rid of humans is our ultimate goal, starting with KJ, it is in our best interest to aid you in your quest to solve the water crisis. So here is our solution:

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You might be puzzled, of course, for your brain capacity is beyond nanoscropic. What you see above is water powder.

Indeed! What a marvellous creation! Water concentrate from water! All you need to do is, put a bit of the powder in the cup, add a tablespoon of liquid water and you are presented with litres upon litres of fresh goodness! In fact, our experiments have shown that 3 kilograms of the powder can fill up a swimming pool with unchlorinated water! This also works very well with my solution to solve global warming.

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according to Mogrithology, the Mogrinton Cauldron was used by Mogri the Great to fill Mogripolis with water

So you must be interested in how it works, well, it is quite ingeniously simple really!

All that is required is to heat water to impossible degrees, preferrably between 4028 – 5210 celcius, without it evaporating. Revealing how this is done publicly will foil the plan and render any revenue null. A simpler and much less effective alternative is to heat the water until evaporation, and sprinkle baby powder into the vapors, thereby retaining some of the water in powder form. Of course using such mechanisms may alter the water’s taste and properties so use cautiously.

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the Mogrinton Couldron as presented in Secret Files 9281-211 v2.3

Ah! So here you have it, the power to save the world is in these water powder crystals. Safe, dermatoligically proven and certified by all types of standards!

BUT, there is another way, another more effective way. Unfortunately it will consume lots of time, delaying the Invasion. But, we can use stem cell research to tamper with your genes in such a way to reverse the properties of osmosis, and through years of evolution you can just dip yourself in the sea for a drink.

But that would simply prolong KJ’s existence, and no one wants that, right?