A Restless Note

“I see that you have talked to her,” he commented, his concentration apparently fixed on his work.

“Yes, I did. I got to know her better. There was nothing odd in our conversation.” I felt uncomfortable talking about what happened, but my heart told me to.

“I am certain of that fact,” he coldly said as he placed his tools on the table. He appeared tired, and he found his way to his bed, and lay there. I addressed my own bed, and felt that a dire omen was soon to appear.

The rest of the day passed without incidence of abnormality. The Lieutenant and I spent the day together; we had lunch, and we talked about many insignificant issues, mostly for entertainment. When the hours had darkened, the Lieutenant surrendered to sleep early, and left me awake to address my own thoughts and emotions.

As I lay in my bed I thought of what the Lieutenant had been telling me regarding April, and trying to balance my own thoughts and emotions with them. I had understood what he meant when he told me not to love her, but at the same time, I wanted to know her better, even though my incentives were different. I did not want to please romance; I only wanted to know her better for her character. My heart however refused my sudden change of thoughts. My heart demanded romance, and my mind denied. A battle waged, and at that night, I allowed for my mind to surrender. I decided to give in to whatever my heart desired. I wrote a small letter which I tore after my heart earned its gratification. It read:

You cannot believe how being awake at this hour makes me feel! What silence, what concentration! To think that never in my life that I spent this hour awake! I am happy to write to you at this moment, because you are sleeping and I feel you belong to me more. You cannot imagine what I would pay to watch you asleep!

I recalled the dream I had when I watched her sleep. I felt an unbearable nostalgia, and I truly desired her that night. But all my feelings were gone when I tore that letter. My inner turmoil ended when I had allowed my heart to express itself in a harmless manner. My thoughts regained their domination as a consequence, and I felt at peace. My resolution was only temporary, and I could not discern how long it would stand.

Your affections were only a passing crush, I told myself repeatedly. They were wrong for many reasons. I slept that night convinced that they would disappear the following morning.

Written on 27th May, 2005