I am terribly upset today.

Very upset!

You know why?

Because that cow KJ did not scratch my tummy this morning.

Or yesterday.

Or the day before.

He is now enjoying PETER.

YES! My supposed host is now hosting an actual living entity. A stupid tortoise that goes by the name of Peter.

Now you’d say, awww, how cute. NO! It is not cute. It is SAD! I mean, what COULD you do with a tortoise? Use it as a door step? Paper weight? A mini bowling ball pitted against mini pins?!

I mean, here I am, hopping around and providing endless entertainment, then he puts his attention on that… thing!

He didn’t even PURCHASE that creature! He got it as a gift from one of his friends who actually realized that she has a life and should enjoy it and not waste time on nurturing stupid animals and multiple identities and a stuffed zoo and OCD and house cleaning with plant based detergents.

And let me tell you, KJ is a HORRIBLE host! Take it from MY experience! If only could Peter see the amount of stuffed animals KJ has! My My what an abysmal way to end up, ain’t that right Peter boy?

What are you going to do? Shell yourself up? Oh wait a minute, that is the ONLY thing you can do! Other than consume endless amounts of lettuce, MY LETTUCE!

Fine.

You have NO IDEA what KJ has in store for you. No you don’t! You thought that the “exercise” routine he gives you is all? No no! Although he FINALLY got you out of the shoe box and put you in a huge tank with a stupid heat lamp for you to “sun bathe” in (dammit and I am stuck here in total darkness and empty space), you have NO idea what is in store for you!

Maybe I should turn up that heat lamp.. let’s see… yes this should do.

Let me tell you non-Moogles of KJ’s exercise plans for poor Peter. Poor KJ is actually hoping to enroll that stupid blob of, stuff, in the Olympics.

A couple of days ago KJ actually got all cereal boxes and other, well, boxes from his kitchen and arranged it such that he formed a track, big enough for Peter to marathon (lol) in but not be able to turn around.

KJ hoped that Peter would actually go ahead to the finish line.

But of course, I had a talk with Peter. I have to pick sides, and if I am to thwart KJ’s plans, I have to side with that stupid thing - for now. So I told Peter of KJ’s ambitions, and Peter told me he still has like 150 years to go.

So what happened was, to KJ’s dismay, Peter walked 1/5th the distance and then fell asleep. Just like he did when he was forced to watch OPRAH with KJ!

HAHA! TAKE THAT KJ!

You know sometimes I think I should completely take over you. But it’s OK. Because I have a grand plan for Peter.

You see, I will use Peter’s robust peeing skills to draw a voodoo spell on your retarded spotless floor. With the amount of cleaning you do and Peter’s speed, it will take 14.42 years, but that is OK, as long as it is done. The results will look something like this:

By which then I would have taken complete control over you and I would put Peter in a much larger animal farm far away, with many other animals. I will send you to that animal farm too. Yes yes excellent! My plans are bullet proof! Of course they are!

The Invasion begins soon! Just wait!

I have managed to come up with the ultimate solution to Global Warming! But first let me alter KJ’s profile picture…

mihmihmih

Ahem.

After LOTS of studying and CAREFUL RESEARCH I have come up with a list of solutions to global warming! But nothing beats the number one solution!!!! It is based on the “scientific” theories on global warming:
theory K - too much sunlight
theory U - big fat ozone hole
theory P - people make lots of bad gas
theory O - no one wants to pay

Kupo! As we can see, the main problem here is theory K. Because sunlight = heat and heat = ice melting = water up = humans drown = no more moogle infestation.

So after a lot of doodling, my proposal is as follows:
Mirrors!

Yes, kupo, see, this is how things go.

As you can see from my illustration, sun goes in but not out. Light heats stupid planet, fries people, etc.

With the use of mirrors, we can REFLECT the light!

Yes yes.

We install mirrors on the top of buildings. We don’t have to put mirrors on EVERY building, around 20-25% per city will be good! Imagine! a 20% drop in temperature!!!

With the use of mirrors, we achieve the following:
M - less ultraviolet light!
I - less heat!
R - reflected light blinds incoming aliens!
R - reflected light makes our planet a STAR!!!
O - cost effective!
R - easy to clean!

What is wrong with this keyboard?

*observes sticky keys*

Ugh, KJ is disgusting, I don’t know how he finds entertainment in naked people! How can they not be cold, naked in this weather! I think KJ is a sadistic person.

Anyway… *closes windows with nude people in them*… now that KJ is in the shower, it is time to put my plans forth on annihilating him and his friends in the wedding. He mocked me Moogle for too long now! It is time to exact my Kupolized Revenge.

But first things first… I have to dress up appropriately for this assassination. No evil plan is worth going through if there is no attire to go along with it. Isn’t that right! So here I reveal to you my Attire of Divine Revengeful Assasination, Inc.

It is a bit tight, however, thanks to its Ergonomic Design, the carrots provide the dual role of Shurikens as well as Rations for the Hungry in Dire Need. Unfortunately the gloves render my hands clumsy.

I shall now share my uber plan with you. Let me bring forth my Assasination Sketchbook Limited Edition (crayon box as freebie! woohoo!). Opening the pages reveal the three most prominent attendees, from my side, to KJ’s doomed wedding:

KJ wants to do his wedding on the enormous heli-pad of Burj Al Arab. It is a most excellent choice! The perfect assassination setting: High building surrounded by waters! I shall place Nessie in the water and the Dragons hovering above her in circles. I shall explain later on how they come into play.

But first things first. People who are Unworthy are to be placed on the outer ring of the heli-pad. First, they provide an easy target for “accidental” shoving over to oblivion below. Yes yes vile and cruel indeed. I only wish KJ would be dispensed that easily, but he shall face a most gruesome adversary later on.

Now that all the Infidels are on the outer edge, it is time to bring out my MoogCopter. It shall hover just at the right height, and such that the blades are inside the heli-pad. That way, I only need to circle the heli-pad once to decapitate all of those hapless idiots. Please refer to my expertly drawn sketch for reference.

The area in red are the now-decapitated people. However, the people in the yellow area would have witnessed this Act of Cleansing. Therefore, they must be promptly disposed of - as well as the decapitated corpses in the red section.

To do this, I would have, prior to the wedding, skillfully installed remote-controlled hinges below the heli-pad. Upon the precise pressing of an unusually large red button, the red and yellow sections shall flip vertically and all people would fall into a spiked trap below. The Dragons can feed upon them, if they please, when it is time for the buffet. The buffet is also the perfect time to eat my carrot ration.

To get rid of the rest, I shall wait until it is time for the Hapless Bride to throw her bouquet. Given that it is traditional that all senile and single men and women gather for this event, I shall make it an Event of Remembrance - too bad they won’t live too long to remember it happily.

Please refer to my detailed illustration as I explain to you the steps.

As you can see, step 1 involves sending people into a projectile across. This is done as follows. The previous night I would have installed the Spring of Death underneath the H formation in the heli-pad - which holds the last surviving people. KJ and his wife will not be affected by this - they have a more deserving death.

As soon as KJ’s wife throws the bouquet and the people rush to it, the Spring of Death shall activate, launching everyone on the platform over the building. With my precise mathematical calculation - given decent wind conditions - they shall be projected onto the flying dragons, who, after having had their feed from the spikes during the buffet, shall now burp their flames on the oncoming crowd, sending them well done or medium-rare to Nessie, according to her taste. I would have taken her preference proper prior to the event.

Now that KJ is finally alone with his soon-to-be-widow, and now that I would have completed successfully my Transformation Ascension to the Dark Side, I shall reveal my final form as Darth Kupo.

It is then that I fight bravely and exact my revenge upon KJ, for mocking me all these years, for confining me in the limits of his ridiculous “intelligent” brain leftovers, and for subjecting me to countless hours of human nudity. We will have a Battle of Epic Proportions and I shall use The Force to manipulate the dragons into kidnapping his Damsel in Distress - like all heroic stories are written. Too bad though that I shall triumph this time. Any suggestions on what to do with the newly widowed bride is welcome.

Ahem.

Alright, now none of you shall inform KJ of my evil doings. He is now leaving the shower and I have to act all cute and naive again.

*hurries away to hide his sketches*

---

previous thought | all thoughts

Moogle: Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
KJ: Keep your ears in the car.
Moogle: Kupo! I LOVE the sunroof it is amaaaaaaaaaazing!
KJ: It ISN’T a sunroof you uninitiated dope.
Moogle: Kupo you should get one like this for your car!
KJ: It is PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE without destroying it!
Moogle: Then how come your friend’s car isn’t destroyed? It is much smaller and it has this big sunroof. LOOK! All the way to the back.
KJ: IT ISN’T A GODDAMN SUNROOF YOU STUPID IDIOT IT IS A FRIGGING CONVERTABLE!
Moogle: A what?
KJ: A SPORTSCAR.
Moogle: Dooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.
KJ: Stop it Bart.
Moogle: Who is Bart.
KJ: ….
Moogle: Kupo why are you opening the door?
KJ: ….
Moogle: Kupo!

---

Moogle: Kupo, it has been 23 minutes and they are still discussing boats.
KJ: Yeah I know. I grew tired of nodding.
Moogle: Why don’t you tell them about the yachts you used to ride in KSA?
KJ: I am NOT opening doors for further dicussions.
Moogle: But kupo! Surely you had a great time on the yachts. Tell them.
KJ: No.
Moogle: You don’t want to slip and recall that Titanic fetish…
KJ: Shut up already.
Moogle: You remember it right? You used to stand with your MOM’S friend in front of the yacht and you’d stand behind her and hold out her hands like that Titanic scene.
KJ: Shut up! I am NOT going to make a scene out of this. I DO have a reputation!
Moogle: Uh-uh. You’re doing splendidly to maintain it. Emo.
KJ: You’re not helping it is ALL your fault.
Moogle: Kupo, come on admit it, she was your only hope of mating in KSA.
KJ: She was a spinster! She was mom’s friend! She should have kids my age!
Moogle: But kupo you like her hair against your face and the wind and the sunset.
KJ: You’re a disturbed and sick, perverted sexually frustrated Moogle.
Moogle: You ruined it for both of us.
KJ: Stupid bunny.

---

Moogle: I think dragons breathed fire
KJ: Dragons…
Moogle: Yes! They existed.
KJ: Of course sweety *pats Moogle*
Moogle: Kupo! Dragons are like dinosaurs
KJ: Dinos didn’t exist in modern England.
Moogle: Yes yes but they breathed fire anyway
KJ: You can’t breathe fire
Moogle: But kupo! Hear me out.
KJ: I have no other choice, do I?
Moogle: You can focus on traffic instead
KJ: It is the lesser of two evils
Moogle: Anyway Kupo, you know you can set your farts on fire right?
KJ: I am NOT going to have this conversation
Moogle: Listen! If you humans can breathe fire from your asses, why can’t dragons breathe fire too?!
KJ: No one farts from the mouth!
Moogle: But maybe they’re different Kupo! Maybe they can hold the gas inside and ignite it from the mouth
KJ: Enough, you disgust me
Moogle: But, but, but
KJ: Don’t let me ignite my farts on you now!

---

Moogle: I want that new iPod Nano
KJ: You already have an iPod
Moogle: Yes yes but we have the silver one
KJ: And…
Moogle: I want the pink one
KJ: PINK
Moogle: You’re not sexist are you?
KJ: PINK?!
Moogle: But kupo, pink is the new red!
KJ: They DISCOVERED pink by BLEACHING red
Moogle: Ok get me the red one.
KJ: RED?!?!
Moogle: What now? The rims of your spectacles are red!
KJ: They are SPECTACLES. Not an iPOD
Moogle: Kupo your logic is illogical.
KJ: Shut up, your silver iPod is fine.
Moogle: You are SO everything-challenged
KJ: I am NOT
Moogle: Yes
KJ: No
Moogle: Yes
KJ: Enough!
Moogle: But if they only release a pink Xbox you’d get it
KJ: *mumbles*

---

previous issue | all issues

Moogle: Kupo, the traffic is horrible! OMG is that a car on fire!?
KJ: Yup, it is.
Moogle: You are JOKING! You know what that means?!
KJ: People are actually burning while I have to sit here with you.
Moogle: That’s a terrible thing to say!
KJ: Would you like me to set you on fire instead?
Moogle: You’re horrible.
KJ: I am just hungry.

KJ: We are in a HOSPITAL. If I get Nescafe you are going to spill it and ruin the floor.
Moogle: But kupo there are TEENS over there hanging out by the Nescafe machine.
KJ: You noticed too? Of all places to hang out in, they choose a hospital.
Moogle: So what will you do while you wait for your sister?
KJ: Nothing. Please please don’t tell me you have something in mind.
Moogle: Well I was thinking, since your abilities to score with women is below Black Sea level, you’d want to befriend people here.
KJ: Nurses from a [specific region I won't type to not cause offence]? You must be kidding.
Moogle: No no not the nurses. See, there are a lot of women here who must have come with their husbands.
KJ: And?
Moogle: Well if the husband dies, the now-widow needs a shoulder to cry on.
KJ: THEY ARE TWICE MY GRANDMOTHER’S AGE!
Moogle: But there are two I saw who are young.
KJ: Yeah I saw them.
Moogle: I am definitie it will work. Kupo, the hospital as their SECRET STRONGHOLD. Women COME here to get picked up by caring soon-to-be husbands and fathers! It is maternal instinct.
KJ: You want to know what’s my instinct towards this now?
Moogle: Will I like it?
KJ: No.

KJ: Indeed I am. Look at the alfredo sauce! It looks brilliant.
Moogle: Let your sis taste it lest you want to break your fast!
KJ: Yes yes.
Moogle: Oh, you know what would be EVIL.
KJ: You KNOW evil?!?!
Moogle: Shut up. Put a lot of salt in the spoon first.
KJ: Now I like you.

*adds salt*

Moogle: This should be interesting.
KJ: Yup yup.

*calls sister*

Moogle: Here it goes.
KJ: SHIT.

*censored scene*

Moogle: That didn’t go well.
KJ: This is all your fault. LOOK AT MY DETTOL POLISHED FLOOR NOW COVERED IN AN OVERTURNED ALFREDO SAUCEPAN!!!
Moogle: Hey don’t blame it on me! I didn’t tell you it was a great idea, just evil!
KJ: No XBOX for you tonight.
Moogle: You know you’re bluffing.
KJ: I know.

KJ: The woman with the ridiculous hair?
Moogle: The one.
KJ: No. You’re disgusting she is married with kids!
Moogle: But kupo, see, you only need to show her you are better than her husband.
KJ: And?
Moogle: And then she’d divorce him, sell her kids to him and she will be all yours!
KJ: You don’t SELL kids!
Moogle: In China they do!
KJ: Oh, so you actually have HEARD of China
Moogle: Come on I am not THAT ignorant!
KJ: So what’s China known for?
Moogle: Chi Wa Wa
KJ: Chi what now?
Moogle: You know, the dog.
KJ: That thing isn’t CHINESE you stupid furball!
Moogle: The one I know is.
KJ: I am NOT having this conversation.

Every other Monday, I will try my very best to bring you Moogle Thoughts, thoughts of the fluffy thing inside my head - the stupid idiot of a kid/rabbit bunny thing that lives with the supposedly-serious KJ.

I am gonna also schedule Oddball of a World on the Mondays where Moogle Thoughts won’t be. So you get two editions of each per month! Stay tuned!

Moogle: These glasses are so nice kupo! Look at the red!
KJ: What? Red? You MUST be joking!
Moogle: Kupo come onnnn they are amaaaaazing! Plus they are black from the outside so no one will see the red.
KJ: Yeah true, they are stylish.. but..
Moogle: I must have them I must have them!
KJ: Shut up you stupid fluffy thing, no one sees you, I am gonna get all the shit out of this.
Moogle: You’re so boring.
KJ: You’re an idiot.
Moogle: But kupo! If you wear this, it is like wearing Ferrari for the eyes!
KJ: You don’t WEAR a Ferrarri you oaf.
Moogle: But it’s red! I am sure it has some sort of special superpowers.
KJ: You don’t say.
Moogle: I bet you can drive your mom nuts with it.
KJ: Let me see. Mom, what do you think of this?

*silence*

Moogle: See I told you it has superpowers.
KJ: Gay superpowers.
Moogle: Fine, live with your dorky glasses.
KJ: Enough of you.

-

Moogle: Kupo?
KJ: What now.
Moogle: I want a Hello Kitty.
KJ: ?!!?
Moogle: Kupo! I have to live with you cuddling a stupid teddy giraffe. I DESERVE a Hello Kitty!
KJ: But it’s for women. What the hell is wrong with you.
Moogle: It is fluffy.
KJ: Yes and?
Moogle: Kupo!
KJ: You are NOT humping a kitty you stupid rabbit. Enough of you.
Moogle: Come on! I EARNED it!
KJ: OMG you drive me nuts. I said enough! No kitties for you.
Moogle: What about your mom’s orange shirt she bought you?
KJ: I returned it.
Moogle: Does she know?
KJ: No.
Moogle: It goes well with the red glasses.
KJ: Get out of my head.

-

Moogle: I think you should take the Armani.
KJ: Why?
Moogle: Cuz it is amazing!
KJ: What ISN’T amazing for you.
Moogle: I hate you.
KJ: Mutual feeling.
Moogle: Come on it is nice look at it!
KJ: I am looking. But I don’t like the writing.
Moogle: It is just a shirt!
KJ: With Armani on it?! Please get a life.
Moogle: You’d join the presitigous and elite group of fashion wearers.
KJ: With you? Please. Besides, it is for 60 dhs. Made in China.
Moogle: So?
KJ: I am not that desperate. I can buy a stack of DVDs for 60 dhs.
Moogle: You and your DVDs! I am sick of them. It isn’t like you watch them.
KJ: HEY! I had to watch Planet Earth so you can see your stupid friends.
Moogle: You watched it to find me a habitat.
KJ: That too.
Moogle: And?
KJ: It isn’t Planet LaLa.
Moogle: Your mom is holding a Dolce and Gabbana bag.
KJ: I am gonna go broke.
Moogle: Well she IS your mom!
KJ: Stop playing the guilt game, you know I hate it.
Moogle: Then why didn’t you get rid of me yet kupo?!
KJ: *mumbles*

-

Moogle: Why are you reading about tides on Wiki?
KJ: I have nothing better to do.
Moogle: You believe all this kupo?
KJ: It is science.
Moogle: Yes so you are telling ME that the SUN is levitating the ocean.
KJ: The moon and the sun.
Moogle: So you mean gravity affects water?
KJ: Yup. Seems so.
Moogle: But you’re 70% water.
KJ: And?
Moogle: Why don’t you float?
KJ: sigh.