The Grasshopper Incident
Sis: *walks in* what’s the matter?
Sis: Ok KJ we need to kill it.
Me: NO WAY! I am NOT going to kill that thing!
Sis: It’s in OUR BALCONY and I don’t want it IN MY HOUSE!
Me: FINE! But I am not going to squish it.
Me: *gets room scented spray*
Sis: What the HELL are you doing?!
Me: What if it smells when it dies!
Sis: It’s a GRASS hopper, it will just smell of GRASS!
Me: Psht! well then, I have an idea
Me: You know cans, if you keep pressing, they get cold, and the spray gets cold
Me: so we will just FREEZE it! Then throw it outside to thaw and resume its life.
Sis: you want to freeze a grasshopper with a scented spray…
Me: think about it! It will not harm us, it will live, AND it will smell nice!
Sis: suit yourself…
the grasshopper died.
Finding a Home
Me: look what I bought! *points to brand new bicycle*
Sis: Where on EARTH are you gonna put it!
Me: here, in the kitchen
Sis: no no, no no no no no, this goes downstairs in the storage
Me: But it’s DARK down there and COLD!
Sis: KJ this is not the time for you to be you.
Me: What if Charlie gets –
Sis: Charlie? It has a name now?!
Me: What if Charlie gets a cold and he breaks down while cycling.
Sis: It’s a STUPID BIKE!
Sis: And what the heck is THAT! *points to green ribbon*
Me: It’s a ribbon.
Sis: Why did they give you a ribbon!
Me: I asked for it.
Me: Well they didn’t wanna give me a discount so I said the least you could do is give me a ribbon!
Sis: Just… put it in the kitchen…
Sis: *after 15 minutes of driving* um KJ
Sis: I think the flush in my washroom is not working
Sis: yeah water is always running it’s not stopping.
Me: You’re telling me this NOW?
Sis: I forgot I am sorry! Anyway it’s ok.
Me: What do you mean OK!
Sis: Well it’s not gonna flood the house!
Me: Well even if it doesn’t we will just waste gallons of water till we come back!
Sis: Ok “Mr Environmentalist”
Me: gsdkuhfspiuy! *drives back*
back at home
Me: It’s fine! It’s working fine!
Sis: Oh, sorry then, my mistake..
Me: *notices something different*
Me: Did you… just change your shoes?
Sis: huh? Oh… tee hee!
Body Analysis Encore
Trainer: OK I got the results of the body analysis.
Trainer: *eyes paper suspiciously and looks at me, then at paper, then at me*
Trainer: you lost weight.
Me: BUT HOWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Trainer: I don’t know
Me: That’s impossible. I gained two inches around the waist and some muscle! My friends are telling me I look better. I DO look better and I FEEL better!
Trainer: Yeah… but… in numbers you lost weight
Me: So you’re telling me I gained muscle and gained two inches and lost weight
Trainer: I am also confused
Me: So my body… reshaped itself? I morph now?!
Trainer: Well these things happen
Trainer: So, um, let’s add five more sessions on the house :D
Me: Brilliant :D
Little Girl Ghosts
Me: *calls up friend at 3 AM* dude I can’t sleep
Friend: mmnghh… Malak? Feek eshi? (what’s wrong?)
Me: ya zalameh… afel bab el 2ooda 3ala 7ali w met5abby ta7t el m5addeh (I locked myself in the bedroom and am hiding under the blanket)
Friend: looooooooooooooooooool, bte7ki jad? (you’re kidding right?)
Me: shayefni 3am affel 3aleik ya3ni! (you think I’m joking?!)
Friend: tayyeb… shu fi, mn 2eish 5ayef? (ok, what are you afraid of?)
Me: el bent el sgheereh (the little girl)
Me: ya zalameh, kel ma bet7ammam, besma3 sot benet w kalb (every time I shower I hear a girl’s voice and a dog’s)
Me: shu ok?! balki tel3etli? (what if she came out?)
Friend: walak 3an jad bte7ki? LOOOOOOOL (are you serious?!)
Me: walak (hey!)
Friend: tayyeb bas tetla3 e3mel 3aleiha pipi LOOOL (if she comes out, piss on her)
Friend: la jad halla2, ma t5af, aslo elli bet5af menno byetla3lak (seriously though, don’t be scared, if you’re scared of something it will show up)
Friend: LOOOOOOOL walak ehda 3anna bye7kooha la wlad sghar mshan ma y5afo (dude chill we say this to kids so they stop being afraid)
Me: SHU SHAYEFNI WALAD SGHEER (DO YOU SEE ME AS A KID)
Friend: la abadan LOOOOOOOOL (no not at all!)
Chicken vs Cockroaches
Me: man I can’t believe you eat meat
Friend: why? since when you’re vegetarian?
Me: I am not… I just don’t like cow/sheep meet.
Friend: so you eat chicken and fish?
Friend: care to explain?
Me: well, cows have feelings, they’re huggable and have little babies.
Friend: *prays silently*
Me: imagine being also a nice young sheep, rolling around in the grass, and then you’re taken away. Imagine being the mother of that sheep.
Friend: why does God punish me with people like you! What about chicken? Don’t they have feelings?
Me: Chicken are stupid. They can’t even fly. They’re birds waiting to be extinct. It’s our job as humans to eat as many as possible to accomplish it.
Friend: Your logic is… quite something
Me: and fish, well they might evolve into a huge dragon and kill us all.
Me: dude killing cows and sheep are like killing spiders
Me: spiders are intelligent. They help keeping insects out of the house by eating them. Plus they have a soul
Friend: so by your logic you don’t kill insects. And chicken and fish don’t have souls.
Me: No, they have pointless souls. And roaches don’t have souls. They’re demons that should be killed!
Friend: I have no idea how you will ever function in a society