إلي قرأتوه مظبوط، محسوبكم ملتهبه رموشه!

هي القصة:

مثل ما بتعرفو، عملت ليزك من شهرين ونص ورحت من فترة للمراجعة. اجا الدكتور وتفرج على شعراتي النهفة وحط المجهر وفحص عيني.

جميل جميل.. كل شي تمام الحمدالله. مبروك كنان عيونك ماشالله ممتازين.

منيح خبر حلو.

بس رموشك زباله!

مين؟

رموشك يا أفندي.. شي مقرف!

ليش؟ خير شبن؟

ورجيني تشوف… اع! ليش هيك يا كنان، شو ما بتغسل؟ ما عندكم مي بالبيت؟

يا زلمة بغسل وأنا عم نشف، شو فيييي احكي!

لازم نضف رموشك هلأ..

تفضل

كنان عيوني سماع، عيونك ما فيهن شي الحمدالله بس رموشك ملتهبين.

لك كيف رموش بتلتهب يا زلمه! كلن شعر!

اه مزبوط هو الإلتهاب بجفونك بس رموشك إلي أكلت خرى.

بالله شو؟

يعني بتاخد هاد المرهم ست أشهر

نعم؟ مشان رموش؟

بدك تصفى بلا رموش؟

طيب ماشي.

………………

فمثل ما شايفين، مين في واحد متخلف بالدنيا مفصوم بتلتهب رموشه؟ يعني بين كل شي متخلف بالدنيا، اجاني إلتهاب رموش؟

على قولت صاحبي، أجدب!

It’s funny when you spend 3-4 hours a day alone in the car, arguing with yourself.

Yup you read that right! That’s me.

I’m undiagnosed but it’s safe to say I am pretty much OCD. If it ain’t symmetrical, it ain’t right. Although I LOVE spontaneous events and days… I have to be mentally prepared for them. When I went to Amman for instance I have mentally prepared myself that the week would be unorganized chaotic fun.

But take for example yesterday. Punctuality is something I worship. My technical architect told me he would be meeting me at 4:30. He knows I leave office at 5, because there is a long chain of events that follow that depend on me leaving at 5.

At 4:27 I was panicking.

He came in at 4:42 and we finished up at 5:18. In Dubai, traffic-dependent schedules are pushed by an exponential factor per lost minute.

Knowing from experience the traffic load on the roads, I went through an alternate route that’s longer but less congested. However my brain just could not get over the fact that I had to take such a long route because my fuel tank had been filled under the assumption it would be enough to get me to my sister’s work and back home through the normal route.

Which meant I had to stop by to refill at a petrol station which cost me more time and threw my OCD thought patterns out of the window - because I had calculated I would be filling it at the petrol station next to the supermarket where I’d be able to purchase some goods by the time the tank is topped.

With that out of the window I wouldn’t be able to purchase from the supermarket, with the time lost factor multiplier I had to cancel the supermarket if I were to complete my other pending tasks I had to finish before 11 PM.

But that meant something else and the list really went on and on and on.

And that’s how I think, most of the time, most of the day, every day!

Of course, I mentally typed this post while I was driving to office, complete with the typos and with this paragraph informing you about it

I know my problem, which is a great thing. I am aware of almost all my problems. I just am not able to fix myself - because my brain is so awesome it knows the solutions and therefore renders itself immune to them.

Which is why I have been coercing my colleague at work secretly without my brain’s subconscious awareness to help me over the past few weeks, so he got me a nice book which I would be reading.

Now of course the issue is - to find the time to read it!

Alright, first off… if you want to know the real reason he plays softball… then send me an email or leave a comment hehehehehe… 

Otherwise… this is why Maher shouldn’t play softball (or, rather, if you know why he plays softball, then it is safe to say he is the player being eaten!)

For part 1, read here

What a great title to start Ramadan

Yes ladies and gents. My genitals are glowing.

See, I had “corrective eye surgery” on Thursday morning (and oddly I had the atrocity to attend an engagement on Friday and I was the photographer).

But one of the lovely temporary side effects is that everything is glowing or has a halo.

So I looked down and I was very proud of myself. I feel divine already. LOOOOOOL!

In any case the operation was successful el7amdella…. I was on Valium (LOL!) and they stapled my eyelids and put a suction cup on my eye so I don’t move it.. If you know me you’d know I cry like a girl if I see anything coming close to my eyeball.

So there was this ethereal red light (then green) and it did something in circles and all this time I was discussing with the doctor if I can have my iris recolored or my lens be reshaped into the Batman symbol.

He said no.

The worst was the “cleanup”. I will spare you the details but let’s just say my eyes have been molested haha.

During the engagement there was this ajdab with the camcorder and he had like an 800 Ziggawatt light attached on top enough to light up the entire Middle East. And he kept following me as if he’s doing me a favor by lighting up my subjects for photographs.

Then I gave him my Evil Red Eye Look and the problem was solved.

Now am back to work and I frightened 12 people already with my red eye. And one kid in the elevator at home.

The worst thing about it though is that my boss is glowing. It ain’t right!

Them fiends!

I swear I will just curl up into a fluff ball and sell myself as a fluffy keychain so that Mr Qwaider purchases me as a cute little thing for Mrs Qwaider and I just fart in their car!

Ahem

So here I speak on behalf of all the kupolings (ie bloggers) who do not have the required Kupo Nuts to do this

Yes yes I am to imbecilize Mr and Mrs Qwaider.

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I will be Mrs Qwaider for a minute cuz KJ told me I should always imbecilize women first.

Mrs Qwaider Posting as Mrs Qwaider Post #3992364

OMG OMG OMG we like went to this uber uber super duper cute cute omg picnic (ie we BBQed in our backyard) and Samer yo2bor 6ooly inshalla ilahi ma ye7remni minnak ya ro7 el 3dam elli maskeh albi ya albi albi inte ya nafas ro7i elli ma kan 3ayesh mn doonak elahi ya 7a2 lk inshalla sadljfblakshfdbp24qi24897edgfpiyagfu sdfij hsdafpioushed 2397d yc (ie people stopped reading and skipped to comments to see what this is about)

Comments:

SomePerson says:
Lek inshalla alf mabrook ya rub (ie ok this is like the 3992364th time I tell you mabrook um it is hard to be the first commenter!)

SomeOtherPerson says:
Awww BBQ how sweeeeeeeeeet! (ie I used MS Word to summarize the content)

YetAnotherPerson says:
Hey sa7teeeeeeeeeeeeeein I make BBQ sauce like this (with recipe)

SomePerson says:
Lek 3eib ya Samer help her out with BBQ (now that I read SomeOtherPerson’s comment and knew what this is about)

Qwaider says:
7abeebet albi lek inshalla Allah ma y7remni mennek ya 7a2 w ya reit [copy paste half of Mai's post here]

KJ says:
Samer strap on a pair and BBQ for once. Mai, next time he doesn’t BBQ throw his Xbox out (note this is like the 3992364th time I say it)

Maher says:
LOOOOOOOOOL! (um, oh hai!)

[the end]

Ah yes love at its finest

But fret not, fiendlings! For Moogle is not done yet. Noe Noe - Samer is to be imbecilized NEXT! Right after these messages:

يمكنكم الآن متابعة مسلسل “ميوش” على
MBC+
الرجاء الاتصال على
800-bikaffy-3ad

Samer Posting as Mr Qwaider Live From the Wedding (har har har! I has a marridg!)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Of course I will blog from my wedding! We are ADDICTED! (rather, you’re all stupid enough not to grasp the concept of SCHEDULED POSTS!!!!). HAHA! See how excited I am!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have been training ALL MY LIFE for this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! By posting hundreds of !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! marks in every sentence in every post!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! As a matter-of-factly as possible!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now since all of you are sorry singles, I will teach you how to perform your JAHA! Cuz am Qwiader and my way is TEH way! And you SHOULD have wedding crashers! Part of the EXPERIENCE! It was AWESOME! Oh and don’t forget my upcoming MOVIE PREVIEW (of course we watched movies during my wedding!): You’re All Jealous Especially You KJ (2008-ad-infinitum)

KISSME management apologizes for KJ’s absence. We decided to refrain from giving Moogle the reigns after The Incident Which We do Not Speak Of. Therefore we can only assure you that KJ will be back within a week.

Thank you for your cooperation.
KISSME Management Team

KJ’s current status for your reference:

du duru

As you can see we are quite productive in the office LOL! Check out the lady licking the lollipop… hmm… is she hinting something at me? hehehe

“Mom!” I gasp in a mixture of all possible human emotions known to man. She stands there looking hotter than Angelina Jolie. “Wooow you sure look hot tonight!”

“Oh Kinan darling, you little rascal you,” she eyes me naughtily as she enters the newly cleaned apartment. She instantly stops to stare at the empty pizza box on the dining table.

“I…I just had dinner mom,” I choke through the words as I remove the offensive box from her sight. She always gave me lectures on –

“How many times have I told you not to eat junk food? It is so unhealthy! You saw what happened to Flan. He has more cholesterol than red body cells.”

“Blood cells,” I correct.

“Whatever they are called!”

“Mom I was starving because I was working for six hours on my projects and - ”

“SIX STRAIGHT HOURS!” she gasps, her hands on her chest. “Honey you are not a machine! You need to rest! You need to - ”

“Get my projects done mom. They are due next Monday,” I say as I sit down helplessly on the couch.

“Well, I will go get something to drink,” she says. Before I can take in the information and stop her from entering the horrendous kitchen – “EEEEEK! Kinan A. Jarjous, how can you explain this? Where are your manners?! Is this what we taught you to do at home?” she points at the heap of laundry on the floor I forgot to put in earlier today.

“Mom please, don’t start…” I beg her.

“I am going to leave a note for your cleaning lady,” she says, pen and paper already out. She doesn’t know I have no cleaning lady. I give up and go back to the living room. Mom follows suit in a few minutes and sits next to me. I put my arm around her and kiss her forehead, trying to muffle down the reasons she came here for.

“So how is my dad?” I ask, trying to let her lose tracks of her own thoughts.

“He is ok,” she says smiling.  “Well, I came here to talk about your future.”

What? How you are going to be a part of every little thing in my life? Get married on my behalf?

“Oh,” is all I offer.

“Well, you see, I don’t like the way things are shaping up dear. You are going through something at your work - ” God mom it’s just ranting! “ – your car is not spotless - ” it’s MY car and it’s MY rule that it is OCD-Unfriendly “ – and you have very odd friends - ” damn you Moogle “ – and I cannot believe you still don’t have a girlfriend! People your age are already fathers!” She puts her fingertips on her necklace, as if she is emphasizing her need to have grandchildren.

So I guess you know what the next post is about: Avoiding Bride Shopping, Round 2!!!!

I’m missing out on two weddings, for two great friends of mine.

But I have my circumstances

So congratulations to dear buddy Amjad - the first of the “shilleh” to get married - as well as to my lifelong friend and brother Jihad, both of whom are getting married next week in Syria.

I would also like to say to both of them, from now, “I told you so”