The month of March has witnessed many transformations in my personality, most notably in the self confidence department, a far cry from what I have been experiencing for the latter quarter of the past year of unemployment (a post to celebrate that is due 1st April, stay tuned!). March has been, for the most part, the biggest harvest of the first wave of labour I have put into becoming an extrovert (though, deep down, I am still good ol’ shy me) and extending my social circle and exposing myself to the more uncomfortable situations I would normally try to avoid.
Enjoying my 15 minutes of fame aside, back home I have been battered repeatedly due to my decisions, or lack thereof in some regards. On one hand I have the source of two lifetimes of wisdom – my parents – advising me on what to do (rather, what not to do) or pursue. On the other hand, as I told my unofficial therapist (more of a confidant really, as there is little therapy involved): “I have been give this one chance in life with the perfect set of circumstances to do and exploit anything I want. Yes, I will run out of money pretty soon. Yes, I might look back and say I should have done things differently. But what scares me the most is in the future looking back at my time now and say I have missed out. I am unemployed, I am studying, I am not married, not committed to a girlfriend, and the only two things I can utterly lose is money and an old personality I have been trying hard to get rid of but have never had the chance. So yes, it’s the stupidest thing I might do in my life, but chances are the next time I am unemployed and have the time to do things, I would have other variables bringing me to a halt.”
And she nodded in agreement (adding, of course, that I am one really odd person).
Now that part of my rationality is set, though whether or not it is a manifestation of other underlying problems is another post (and yes, there is truth in that).
The other part of my rationality pods along the same way of thinking as my parents’: The one that says KJ, tuck your hallucinations under your bed and wake up to the reality of 2010.
And here is where the confusion is: Both arguments are equally powerful in my head, being the genius of a thinker that I am. And as human nature says, when such cognitive dissonance exists you try to rationalize and justify. Think of it as the ego defense, when, if you get a good grade, it means you’re a terrific genius, and if you got a bad grade, then the exam is unfair. You pep talk yourself so your brain can calm down. Now try to apply that line of thinking into what I have been talking about. If you’re becoming schizophrenic just thinking about it, you’re a step closer to where I am now.
But I have come to accept it. Now it’s up to others to accept I am crazy and wanna do what I do in life!