People You Inevitably Meet in the Gym
There are streotypes about almost everything in the world, but, let’s face it, some things are stereotyped for a reason: They’re only “politically correct” short of being facts.
The list below presents some of the people you will inevitably meet in the gym. If you have more to add, please do!
Ms. Cleavage
There is no doubt about it: It’s probably the number one reason why men are in the gym. Namely, it’s the number one reason why they tend to do cardio – because she is doing cardio. No one will ever get her, not even the most well-defined muscular guy. To us, she is a Goddess. To her, we are nothing but white noise. The worst part of all, is that she knows it.
Mr. Muscle Man
This guy eats his mom for breakfast. There is a whole range of men – from the flabby to the very fit – but this guy has tried every hormone and every protein shake to date. He’s your ultimate source of info (whatever he says, don’t do it), and the best guy to call when that barbell is gonna topple over.
The Ghost
For girls, it’s a guy, for guys, it’s a girl. The Ghost refers to a gym member who you can see enter the gym, but suddenly disappear. They’re no where to be found, not even in the locker rooms. They’re probably in a secret workout facility – that’s when you suspect that your “premium membership” isn’t quite as premium as you would have hoped.
The Loser at the Treadmill
It’s also a phenomena if your gym sports a lounge, seating area, or PC terminals. The Loser just happens to jump on the treadmill/sofa/PC next to you, only to strike up a conversation a couple of minutes later, and asking you to add him on Facebook. And when you don’t, he would ask why the next time he happens to bump into you.
It’s the 50′s
This is a group of women who work out for 10 minutes then spend the rest of the hour or two gossiping in whatever clearing they find. They discuss everything, from The Ghost to Ms Cleavage to their husbands to their idiotic maids or children. To avoid talking about each other behind each other’s backs, they all leave at the same time.
The Woman You Thought Was a Man
Ever had some tough weights to lift, and you go ask for help, and when the person turns around, lo and behold, it’s a woman? Yes. She’s usually a bit short, sports a boy cut and is quite muscular (for a woman) and can carry as much weight as any guy in the gym. She’s definitely not one to get upset.
The Hijabis
The Hijabis are an interesting bunch of girls. They’re always in their 20s, and almost always come in packs. If it’s a single Hijabi attending, she wears dark colors. If it’s two, they were moderate colors. The larger the group, the greater the variety in the clothig. They’re almost always occupying cardio, or in the stretch area carrying small weights, all while gossiping about something. Then post-exercise they replace the “It’s the 50′s” group in the clearings.
The Guy Who Know’s He’s Too Hot
This guy is worse than The Loser. He knows he’s too hot that even guys ogle at him, and hence he’s the most snobbish person in the gym. If you ask him for advice to get his great physique, he replies in obscure monotony. If a girl makes a pass, he ignores her existence. He’s after Ms Cleavage, who is also unaware of his existence. It’s the battle of the egos.
The Water Cooler Attendant
There are two types of people who attend the water coolers: Sweaty men with bulging biceps and panting women with tight asses. The former usually target incoming ladies; he pulls out a plastic cup, fills in water, and drinks like it’s his business, all while flexing. The lady attendant, on the other hand, is almost always busy leaning down to tie her shoelaces. You’d think she’s making braids when you visit the cooler for the 6th time during the hour.
The Groovy Personality
It’s usually the overweight people who can be quite jolly. The woman walks in – loved by everyone – and yells to everyone at the gym “how’s it shakin y’aaaaaaaaall?!”. She has so much self confidence she can pole dance without a worry in the world. She’s got amazing stamina but just can’t seem to lose weight.
The Guy With Severe Fashion Issues
This guy needs to buy new training outfits. He turns up always with a really, really tight shirt you can actually see the skin pores, and, more disturbing, a really, really tight swimmer’s shorts, with no underwear, and if your eyes are not skilled enough to avoid the nether regions you will be scarred for life.
The Narcissist
This is the person who, in the locker rooms, takes his/her clothes off slowly and deliberately, making sure everyone sees their bodies and curves. After a shower, they admire themselves in the mirror for prolonged periods of time. They check their newly upgraded bodies, their face, any new zits or freckles or left over lint. Then they smell their armpits, and carefully deodorize it. Then they blow-dry their groin (yes I saw it happen), and put on their well-ironed and well-folded clothes, also slowly and deliberatley. Then they pamper their hair and face and put on aftershave and whatever. It takes them more time to groom than it takes them to work out. To them, they’re the only people who exist in the gym.
The Hopeless
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They’re a peculiar bunch, a category I belong to. The Hopeless are people who have been going to the gym while getting slow results (gain or lose weight). We’re hopeless to strike a conversation like The Loser. We’re hopeless to be groovy. We’re hopeless to have an ego war with Ms Cleavage or the Guy Who Knows He’s Too Hot. The only reason we go to the water cooler is to drink, and we don’t have people to socialize with – for us, gym is a business; you walk in, pump iron, and walk out. For a hopeless cause.