Jarjuiciyyat vol. 2

Body Analysis Encore

Trainer: OK I got the results of the body analysis.
Me: shoot.
Trainer: *eyes paper suspiciously and looks at me, then at paper, then at me*
Me: what
Trainer: you lost weight.
Me: BUT HOWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Trainer: I don’t know
Me: That’s impossible. I gained two inches around the waist and some muscle! My friends are telling me I look better. I DO look better and I FEEL better!
Trainer: Yeah… but… in numbers you lost weight
Me: So you’re telling me I gained muscle and gained two inches and lost weight
Trainer: I am also confused
Me: So my body… reshaped itself? I morph now?!
Trainer: Well these things happen
Me:
Trainer: ….
Trainer: So, um, let’s add five more sessions on the house :D
Me: Brilliant :D

Little Girl Ghosts

Me: *calls up friend at 3 AM* dude I can’t sleep
Friend: mmnghh… Malak? Feek eshi? (what’s wrong?)
Me: ya zalameh… afel bab el 2ooda 3ala 7ali w met5abby ta7t el m5addeh (I locked myself in the bedroom and am hiding under the blanket)
Friend: looooooooooooooooooool, bte7ki jad? (you’re kidding right?)
Me: shayefni 3am affel 3aleik ya3ni! (you think I’m joking?!)
Friend: tayyeb… shu fi, mn 2eish 5ayef? (ok, what are you afraid of?)
Me: el bent el sgheereh (the little girl)
Friend: huh?!
Me: ya zalameh, kel ma bet7ammam, besma3 sot benet w kalb (every time I shower I hear a girl’s voice and a dog’s)
Friend: ok
Me: shu ok?! balki tel3etli? (what if she came out?)
Friend: walak 3an jad bte7ki? LOOOOOOOL (are you serious?!)
Me: walak (hey!)
Friend: tayyeb bas tetla3 e3mel 3aleiha pipi LOOOL (if she comes out, piss on her)
Me: &#*#^%
Friend: la jad halla2, ma t5af, aslo elli bet5af menno byetla3lak (seriously though, don’t be scared, if you’re scared of something it will show up)
Me: O__________________O
Friend: LOOOOOOOL walak ehda 3anna bye7kooha la wlad sghar mshan ma y5afo (dude chill we say this to kids so they stop being afraid)
Me: SHU SHAYEFNI WALAD SGHEER (DO YOU SEE ME AS A KID)
Friend: la abadan LOOOOOOOOL (no not at all!)

Chicken vs Cockroaches

Me: man I can’t believe you eat meat
Friend: why? since when you’re vegetarian?
Me: I am not… I just don’t like cow/sheep meet.
Friend: so you eat chicken and fish?
Me: yup
Friend: care to explain?
Me: well, cows have feelings, they’re huggable and have little babies.
Friend: *prays silently*
Me: imagine being also a nice young sheep, rolling around in the grass, and then you’re taken away. Imagine being the mother of that sheep.
Friend: why does God punish me with people like you! What about chicken? Don’t they have feelings?
Me: Chicken are stupid. They can’t even fly. They’re birds waiting to be extinct. It’s our job as humans to eat as many as possible to accomplish it.
Friend: Your logic is… quite something
Me: and fish, well they might evolve into a huge dragon and kill us all.
Friend: aha…
Me: dude killing cows and sheep are like killing spiders
Friend: huh
Me: spiders are intelligent. They help keeping insects out of the house by eating them. Plus they have a soul
Friend: so by your logic you don’t kill insects. And chicken and fish don’t have souls.
Me: No, they have pointless souls. And roaches don’t have souls. They’re demons that should be killed!
Friend: I have no idea how you will ever function in a society

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