People often ask me: Why? Why do I do this to myself, why am I eccentric, why can’t I ever be normal, why can’t I just do things like any other mortal would?
I don’t feel the need to answer this question, most of the time, except with “because this is the way I like it”. And, in fact, I quite do like it, despite the many downsides of things.
An older friend I’ve known for years and take as an older brother told me “I don’t see why you need to feel like you have to follow what people do… instead of following someone’s footstepts, deviate, carve your own path and let people follow you instead”.
I am a person whose life revolves arounds feelings. I believe that feelings are what makes us who we are – a complex and amazing species. We rationalize, argue, justify, dream, inspire, aspire, fall in love; fail in it.
I embrace feelings. I bathe in emotions, day in and out. I do not feel the need of being “constantly happy”, nor do I delve for depression either.
The brain – mind rather – is an extraordinary contraption often misused and abused. People spend a lot of their waking hours actively seeking happiness. “Think positive”, “keep happy thoughts”… running away from everything else in an endeavour to find happiness.
People do not realize they spend so much mental effort to find happiness when it’s right under their nose.
Thoughts are thoughts. We label them. We make our thoughts happy, or sad, or just keep them thoughts. We all indulge in and expand on our thoughts. We elaborate, recall similar memories, and in turn set our mood. We can’t help but think. We get drained when we are actively thinking only happy thoughts, instead of allowing thoughts to flow naturally.
I don’t actively seek happiness. Not in the conventional sense anyhow. Yes, I do things I like (it would be foolish to spend your time doing something you don’t, a job notwithstanding, for the time being). Yes, I do spend time with people I love.
But emotions come in pairs. To experience one in exclusion of the other takes away the power of the emotion.
I dream, I rise above all and perform the exceptional in a mundane world when I am happy. I turn to my soul and understand myself as I relish in anger, cofusion, sadness.
I spent lots of my life lying around in my emotions. I have a penchant for exploring the depths of my feelings. I live them all the way through. Happiness, anger, melancholy, lust, loathing, affection, ecstacy, agitation, solitude, hatred, sentiment, to name a few.
Breathing them, enjoying them as they are, understanding their nature and exploring their dynamics – this is how I live. This is how I am empathetic. This is how I understand people. I know how they feel, and I know it well.
There is a unique sublimity in understanding the transiency of feelings, and their flow. It allows you to appreciate your moments – and while we all strive to be happy, it is a form of happiness when you understand your feelings and your current state of mind.
It’s what make us who we are, after all.