Moogle Thoughts Issue #6 – On KJ’s Tortoise, Peter

Hi.

I am terribly upset today.

Very upset!

You know why?

Because that cow KJ did not scratch my tummy this morning.

Or yesterday.

Or the day before.

He is now enjoying PETER.

YES! My supposed host is now hosting an actual living entity. A stupid tortoise that goes by the name of Peter.

peter’s stupid claws

Now you’d say, awww, how cute. NO! It is not cute. It is SAD! I mean, what COULD you do with a tortoise? Use it as a door step? Paper weight? A mini bowling ball pitted against mini pins?!

I mean, here I am, hopping around and providing endless entertainment, then he puts his attention on that… thing!

He didn’t even PURCHASE that creature! He got it as a gift from one of his friends who actually realized that she has a life and should enjoy it and not waste time on nurturing stupid animals and multiple identities and a stuffed zoo and OCD and house cleaning with plant based detergents.

And let me tell you, KJ is a HORRIBLE host! Take it from MY experience! If only could Peter see the amount of stuffed animals KJ has! My My what an abysmal way to end up, ain’t that right Peter boy?

What are you going to do? Shell yourself up? Oh wait a minute, that is the ONLY thing you can do! Other than consume endless amounts of lettuce, MY LETTUCE!

my lettuce, mine you stupid dinosaur!

Fine.

You have NO IDEA what KJ has in store for you. No you don’t! You thought that the “exercise” routine he gives you is all? No no! Although he FINALLY got you out of the shoe box and put you in a huge tank with a stupid heat lamp for you to “sun bathe” in (dammit and I am stuck here in total darkness and empty space), you have NO idea what is in store for you!

Maybe I should turn up that heat lamp.. let’s see… yes this should do.

Let me tell you non-Moogles of KJ’s exercise plans for poor Peter. Poor KJ is actually hoping to enroll that stupid blob of, stuff, in the Olympics.

A couple of days ago KJ actually got all cereal boxes and other, well, boxes from his kitchen and arranged it such that he formed a track, big enough for Peter to marathon (lol) in but not be able to turn around.

KJ hoped that Peter would actually go ahead to the finish line.

But of course, I had a talk with Peter. I have to pick sides, and if I am to thwart KJ’s plans, I have to side with that stupid thing – for now. So I told Peter of KJ’s ambitions, and Peter told me he still has like 150 years to go.

So what happened was, to KJ’s dismay, Peter walked 1/5th the distance and then fell asleep. Just like he did when he was forced to watch OPRAH with KJ!

it sleeps to avoid the torture!

HAHA! TAKE THAT KJ!

You know sometimes I think I should completely take over you. But it’s OK. Because I have a grand plan for Peter.

You see, I will use Peter’s robust peeing skills to draw a voodoo spell on your retarded spotless floor. With the amount of cleaning you do and Peter’s speed, it will take 14.42 years, but that is OK, as long as it is done. The results will look something like this:


By which then I would have taken complete control over you and I would put Peter in a much larger animal farm far away, with many other animals. I will send you to that animal farm too. Yes yes excellent! My plans are bullet proof! Of course they are!

The Invasion begins soon! Just wait!

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