Moogle Thoughts Issue #4 Special Edition – On KJ’s Wedding

What is wrong with this keyboard?

*observes sticky keys*

Ugh, KJ is disgusting, I don’t know how he finds entertainment in naked people! How can they not be cold, naked in this weather! I think KJ is a sadistic person.

Anyway… *closes windows with nude people in them*… now that KJ is in the shower, it is time to put my plans forth on annihilating him and his friends in the wedding. He mocked me Moogle for too long now! It is time to exact my Kupolized Revenge.

But first things first… I have to dress up appropriately for this assassination. No evil plan is worth going through if there is no attire to go along with it. Isn’t that right! So here I reveal to you my Attire of Divine Revengeful Assasination, Inc.

It is a bit tight, however, thanks to its Ergonomic Design, the carrots provide the dual role of Shurikens as well as Rations for the Hungry in Dire Need. Unfortunately the gloves render my hands clumsy.

I shall now share my uber plan with you. Let me bring forth my Assasination Sketchbook Limited Edition (crayon box as freebie! woohoo!). Opening the pages reveal the three most prominent attendees, from my side, to KJ’s doomed wedding:

KJ wants to do his wedding on the enormous heli-pad of Burj Al Arab. It is a most excellent choice! The perfect assassination setting: High building surrounded by waters! I shall place Nessie in the water and the Dragons hovering above her in circles. I shall explain later on how they come into play.

But first things first. People who are Unworthy are to be placed on the outer ring of the heli-pad. First, they provide an easy target for “accidental” shoving over to oblivion below. Yes yes vile and cruel indeed. I only wish KJ would be dispensed that easily, but he shall face a most gruesome adversary later on.

Now that all the Infidels are on the outer edge, it is time to bring out my MoogCopter. It shall hover just at the right height, and such that the blades are inside the heli-pad. That way, I only need to circle the heli-pad once to decapitate all of those hapless idiots. Please refer to my expertly drawn sketch for reference.

The area in red are the now-decapitated people. However, the people in the yellow area would have witnessed this Act of Cleansing. Therefore, they must be promptly disposed of – as well as the decapitated corpses in the red section.

To do this, I would have, prior to the wedding, skillfully installed remote-controlled hinges below the heli-pad. Upon the precise pressing of an unusually large red button, the red and yellow sections shall flip vertically and all people would fall into a spiked trap below. The Dragons can feed upon them, if they please, when it is time for the buffet. The buffet is also the perfect time to eat my carrot ration.

To get rid of the rest, I shall wait until it is time for the Hapless Bride to throw her bouquet. Given that it is traditional that all senile and single men and women gather for this event, I shall make it an Event of Remembrance – too bad they won’t live too long to remember it happily.

Please refer to my detailed illustration as I explain to you the steps.

As you can see, step 1 involves sending people into a projectile across. This is done as follows. The previous night I would have installed the Spring of Death underneath the H formation in the heli-pad – which holds the last surviving people. KJ and his wife will not be affected by this – they have a more deserving death.

As soon as KJ’s wife throws the bouquet and the people rush to it, the Spring of Death shall activate, launching everyone on the platform over the building. With my precise mathematical calculation – given decent wind conditions – they shall be projected onto the flying dragons, who, after having had their feed from the spikes during the buffet, shall now burp their flames on the oncoming crowd, sending them well done or medium-rare to Nessie, according to her taste. I would have taken her preference proper prior to the event.

Now that KJ is finally alone with his soon-to-be-widow, and now that I would have completed successfully my Transformation Ascension to the Dark Side, I shall reveal my final form as Darth Kupo.

It is then that I fight bravely and exact my revenge upon KJ, for mocking me all these years, for confining me in the limits of his ridiculous “intelligent” brain leftovers, and for subjecting me to countless hours of human nudity. We will have a Battle of Epic Proportions and I shall use The Force to manipulate the dragons into kidnapping his Damsel in Distress – like all heroic stories are written. Too bad though that I shall triumph this time. Any suggestions on what to do with the newly widowed bride is welcome.

BWA AHHAHAHAHHAHA

Ahem.

Alright, now none of you shall inform KJ of my evil doings. He is now leaving the shower and I have to act all cute and naive again.

*hurries away to hide his sketches*


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