July, 2007

Oddball of a World vol.2

In this edition of Oddball of a World, I present you with the most ridiculous things on earth that occur in the animal kingdom. And you thought the stuff you see on YouTube is odd!

Remember, the titles are clickable links.

And Now You Can Bottlenose Your Bride

Who doesn’t love dolphins? They’re cute, cuddly playful mammals who have only two things on their mind: Play and Sex. They’re probably the only other animal that has sex just for the fun of it. Now who wouldn’t say no to such an offer? Apparently, a British spinster named Sharon Tendler decided that, at age 41, her only chance of cuddling is with a Dolphin oddly named Cindy. Complete with a ceremony, Cindy and Sharon Tendler got married and are now happily thrashing in the waterpark.

Don’t Approach Lest I Explode!

Animals have self-defense mechanisms. The hedghog, for instance, expands into a spiked ball whenever there is nearby danger. Cockroaches were probably pretty insects that have become terribly hideous and slimey to avoid being eaten. So what does a toad do? Well… crows like to eat toad liver… so the toads probably thought it best to threaten the crows by exploding. A 1000 exploded toads later and they realized they’re giving the crows free happy meals. Now if this were in the States, they’d call the toads Muslims.

A Fainting WHAT Now?

Goats. Yes. Fainting Goats is actually a breed of goats that faint when startled. The animal is usually housed as a pet, and not used for dairy (but it may eventually be eaten). Given its niche, one is likely to believe that exposure of the goat to scary movies at homes, like The Ring, may have genetically altered the goat to faint when startled. Now how about we put the goats in the cinema.

Healthy, Alive, and Headless

Executioners may have a new adversary: The Chicken. Mike, specifically. Probably the only recorded animal to have survived beheading, this little headless fellow remained alive for a full year and a half. Then, in all irony like all heroes before him, he choked on his own mucucs.

An Emperor Penguin Indeed

Although not of the Emperor Penguin species, this penguin is the only living animal to be so revered that it actually became an army officer. Putting new meaning to “March of the Penguins”, I can only assume what a military that is led by a penguin officer is capable of doing.

The Unlikely Couple

You are an orphaned hippo, tragically recovering from a tsunami. What do you do? Befriend a 130 year old tortoise. They’re best of friends now, and are a living example at how animals are intelligent enough to be able to form their own method of inter-species communication. They’re having fun more than any human to date.

En Guarde!

Imagine a universe where there are no females. Yes, only males. So how do you mate? Well, the answer is simple. Each of you pulls out his penis, and you fence (as in penis-fight), and the loser gets inseminated. Pretty interesting huh? A novel idea only presented to you by flatworms.

Party of the Millenium

Trance, techno, R&B and music in general is all nonsense to weasels. All it takes for them to dance is achieve anything. Called the War Dance, weasels dance together whenever they accomplish anything in their lives. Talk about a happy bunch of party animals!

Saxophone

Saxophone

Rain pressed against the windows, giving off a light aura of heat as the ice cold water brushed against the warm window. He sat inside on a small chair with a cloth topping, patterned with red squares and green borders. He wore a 2 day beard that speckled his face in salt and pepper.The rain pressed on, hard, relentless and adamant. It could have killed any flying bird. It blackened his outside world but a few feet, barely killing the light from a lamp post two floors below.

“Lord, my only Solace of this Dark Night.. praise be to you, for my darkened life,” he sighed to himself.

The fireplace was made of red bricks and larger, gray stones. It formed a small arch. There was enough wood left to keep the fire on for a few more minutes, but the room was warm enough for now. There would be no need for it to be warm.

Three pictures in dark brown iron frames sat on top of the marble above the fireplace. One was of him and his dog, a big gray and white Alaskan Hound. The two other pictures were of him and his daughter. A bright 6 year old girl, lollipop in her mouth in one photo, and incomplete teeth in the other. She was wearing a patched red and orange jacket in both pictures. She was smiling and hugging her father, showering him with affections and unconditional love.

They had great times together. She would hum a tune she made up herself, and then he would realize it in his saxophone. She’d then hum along him as he played her favorite imaginary songs. She’d often dedicate her unsung words to her mother, whom she lost her memory of. Her father told her that her mother took the dog to see a doctor in another country, far far away, and she would one day come back with lots of gifts and little puppies. She’d love the puppies, she told her father, and would raise them until one day she can take each one of them to the doctor in the far country and come back with more puppies.

Her father could only smile, and assure her he’d be waiting for her, as he had been waiting for his wife. His daughter will nod her red cheeks and chew on her lollipop. She’d then go sit by the window where he is sitting now, and hum another tune to herself.

He let out a deep breath that condensed on the window. A happy face appeared momentarily, with the words “miss you” scribbled underneath, before it disappeared again with the vapors.

He looked over to his left to see his saxophone placed on his couch. He had played his daughter’s favorite tune earlier. They had called it “Star Stealing”, because his daughter said that one day she would grow up and would catch all the stars that would try to drop out of the sky, and take them for herself. He had bought a special box for her to keep the stars, and he placed some glitter inside the box. He had told her that those were the stars captured by the previous owners of this unique magic box. She had protected it with all her life, and would wait for the day she would become old enough to carry on the legacy.

He closed his eyes, and felt relaxed. He let out a long, deep, warm breath. A bottle slipped from his hand.

“Lord of the Night, Lord of the Light, in Darkness I shall understand the Light, in your Light I shall find them again,” he whispered, shivering now, cold, the world slowly darkened around him. The reflection of the fire on the saxophone slowly faded away, a fragment of a dream.

Words of Wisdom

Seriously, you have to read through the list. Simply brilliant.

1. Save the whales. collect the whole set.
2. A day without sunshine is like, night.
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. I just got lost in thought. it wasn’t familiar territory.
5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
7. I feel like i’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
8. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
9. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
10. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
11. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
12. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
13. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
14. Support bacteria. they’re the only culture some people have.
15. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.
16. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
17. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
18. Get a new car for your spouse. it’ll be a great trade!
19. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
20. Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
21. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
22. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? raise my hand.
23. Ok, so what’s the speed of dark?
24. How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
25. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
26. When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
27. Hard work pays off in the future. laziness pays off now.
28. Everyone has a photographic memory. some just do not have film.
29. If barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
30. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
31. Eagles may soar, but weasels do not get sucked into jet engines.
32. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
33. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
34. I couldn’t repair your brakes, so i made your horn louder.
35. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
36. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.
37. Just remember, if the world did not suck, we would all fall off.
38. Light travels faster than sound, which is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Elphie the Abomination

OK I have to admit that this is the very first time I ever paint using brushes and pastes. I have never painted before on cloth or any other material, let alone ceramic.

The only thing I did was draw and color in pencils but my skills were lost after grade 6.

As an attempt to revive my artistic attributes, I joined deviantART and I have attempted in my account there to draw digitally. Failing miserably, I switched to photography.

Of course, all of this does not justify what I have done to the poor ceramic elephant. I wanted to make a royal Indian type of war elephant. Unfortunately, little did I know that the intricate details I sketched in pencil do not translate at all in pastes, brushes and ceramics.

However I have to say I enjoyed all three hours in creating this monstrosity. I learned different types of strokes, how to coat and how to make special effects, which I notoriously used to give this thing skin cancer.

So please say hello to my war-elephant-with-skin-cancer-abomination thing, Elphie (thanks to KI for the name).

You are allowed to use Elphie to promote skin cancer awareness as long as you link back here ;)

So without further ado…

A Dark Night and A Soul

A Dark Night and A Soul

Soft sand filters through my toes. A small shell, unearthed, rests at my feet, longing for the sea, now an empty vessel of a former life and lost memories. It nudges, and slowly tumbles down and finds a place in the sand, slightly engraving it in its position. It hopes for high tide to sweep it away and take it back to its rightful place.

Quiet, nonchalant wind stirs the salt; my senses pick up the fine damp grains. The salt sinks in my taste buds and nose. I am thirsty. Calm waves gently hug the wet sand and let go, only to return, restlessly, taking what it can from each hug, but returning for more.

The seashell waits.

Orange against blue and purple and red, the sun shyly hides behind cloud sheets, reluctantly saying goodbye. She, too, emerges, every now and then, from behind the sheets and veils, to have a look, cry a tear that smudges the colors of the sky, and hide away. She knows, this time, when she veils herself, it will be the last time. The last goodbye.

Cooler now, calmer, the waves recede. The sea, now a lake, is still. The wind followed the sun, the sea followed the sun. Lake now a puddle, the waves far away, everything quiet, purple, silent. The sea shell, unmoved, out of place, home now far away. Solitude wears the silence as a suit. No moon tonight. Only some stars. In their empty black home.

Until tomorrow, I wait.

1 of 2
12