Jar of Juice

Something rumbles in your intestine.

You’re at the office. In that tiny cubicle surrounded by other company specimens. You’re willingly engaging in the development of arthritis as you write your tenth blog of the day.

Something rumbles in your intestine.

We all know this feeling. It is the beginning of the P^3, the PuPu Parade. The King of the Faeces is about to make his appearance to the outside world. He sends you the signal and expect you to prepare yourself for his arrival. Unfortunately, not all of us are skilled when it comes to public bathrooms. Some of us are shy, while others have no problem of keeping the doors open for piblic viewing.

In this blog I will outline a small guidebook on how to handle the most stressful arrive of King PuPu.

When it comes to the public, you certainly don’t want to make a bad impression and have people gossip about you, especially in the bathroom. It is even worse in the office since people there are people you know, not people you’d forget about in a few minutes. Therefore, this is especially catered to those who frequent the office bathroom and want to avoid embarrassing situations.

When you walk into the bathroom, walk in with your head low. You certainly don’t want to make eye contact with bystanders or those who have already finished with King PuPu. You don’t want to strike up a conversation with your manager about your due task while holding back the angry King. If you find all doors are closed, immedietly go to the sink and pretend you’re there to wash your hands. Keep your cool, do your hair and leave. Retry in a few minutes. Alternatively, if you sit close to the bathroom you may want to swivle your webcam close to the door so that you monitor traffic and time your departure.

As soon as you’re in the bathroom, lock the door. People often forget that, and you will be surprised at how other people can’t make the difference between vacant and occupied and try all doors until one is open.

Now that you’re in, time for the preparations. King PuPu may not demand a red carpet, but he certainly demands a lot of white carpet. So make sure you have enough toilet paper. If there’s no one in the toilets when you went in, you can scout nearby stalls and do some TP hunting.

Next, you need to lay the groundwork, or the carpet. First you need to wipe off all the extra water on the seat. Then you need to put two layers of carpet, since one layer has proved to be insufficient at times. To muffle the King’s splash in the water, throw in some TP in the water. That way the splash won’t be as loud, you won’t wet yourself and the smell will be trapped. Well most of the smell.

Now sit on the throne.

This is where all the tricks are. You basically need to follow a child’s mind: If you can’t see or hear something, it isn’t there. As soon as you sit, close your eyes and plug your ears. Allow the King to leave. You will not hear all the trumpets, you will not hear the King’s departure, and you won’t see anything. All that you know is that you know feel lighter.

It is now safe to open your eyes and unplug your ears. As soon as you do, sit for a few seconds to monitor any outside movement. If it is empty, wash up and leave. If it isn’t, you have to wait until the hall clears. If someone comes into another stall, don’t panic. You have the advantage that you are already done, and you can wash up and leave before the guy comes out to discover you. You need to be patient, no one will force you out of the bathroom. The hall will eventually clear, whether or not some stalls are occupied.

If there are too many people, wait for some stalls to be occupied so that when you emerge, the odor and sounds can be blamed on someone else inside. Be cool, wash up, and leave.

Follow this guide and I guarantee you safe and happy pupuing.