Five People You’d Want to Maim

This week I will be celebrating the anniversary of my 5-year stay in the UAE by introducing to you a bunch of completely bizarre human beings who give a reason for the “homo” in “homo sapiens”.

When I was in university, one of those days my friend Hamza was told he would be entering the ACM competition in Cairo or Kuwait or wherver it was, that was not important. Before he left, he introduced me to an oddball by the name of HK, and not, that’s not a fashion brand. Immedietly we hit it off, and as everything that sparks quickly, it ends even quicker.

This guy had serious, serious issues, all of which are unfortunately in his rather intelligent head. When you hear him tell you his story you cannot even agree to comprehened the amount of shit this guy went to, all before the age of 17. I mean, no offence to Oprah, but this guy’s issues could beat hers everyday. But unlike Oprah, who took an active role in changing the universe, all this guy managed to change is the casing of the battery charger on his laptop (techinically he just taped it). He kept to his room, protecting himself from the throat-drying, coarse atmosphere of the Earth. He’s probably sensitive to all the CFCs and ozone depletion, although the grave of a vampire dating 1,000,000 BC would have fresher air than his room. Eventually this guy became the Ghost of the Dorm, and his infectious sleeping disorder has spread through whatever ventilation was there and rendered all the resident of the dorms wakeless puppets. Resident Evil indeed.

The only friend (other than me) who the Ghost had is Sa3adet El Safeer (translation: His Excellency) Kilo Gel. Imagine Al Gore. Now imagine Al Gore going into a gel factory and directly pouring that day’s harvest onto his pulp of hair. Now groom it with the finest brush into a mullet and you get an overweight dildo with a fancy hairdo you can only find in high-quality European porn. His Excellency Kilo Gel is also a pedophile as he preys on unsuspecting freshwomen. He is now sadly married to a woman who probably is so desperate she would marry Al Gore. The Gore in the name is there for a reason, you know.

If he isn’t the one preying on the freshwomen, it is Mr. DJ-WannaBe-OMG-Look-at-my-hair. If His Excellency had hair problems, at least it was on his head. WannaBe has body hair problems. He has only one string of hair which wraps around his whole body in a disgusting black cocoon. Being deprived love and affection in childhood tries his best to impress everyone with what he assumes is DJ. He needs to update his dictionary or he’s probably looking up the word “Fucked Up Loser” and following the definition. Heck, we might as well suggest to Oxford to have “Fucked Up Loser” as a definition to his name. I mean, if Rachel Ray can get a word as ridiculous as EVOO into a dictionary (what was she thinking?) we probably can coin a much more useful word to be used in and out of the kitchen.

WannaBe has his own circle of friends, all of whom are more mentally handicapped that a 1 hour old fetus. Two in particular are VW-On-Fire and PMSing Unpaid Bitch. VW-On-Fire has serious ego problems, and is the opposite of Wannabe. This guy got SO much attention in childhood and he doesn’t even consider the possibility that he is more worthless than a piece of dry shit with 99.9% discount in the $1 store. Talk about walking with your nose up high – this guy’s nostrils are aimed at a 90 degree angle from his body (that’s horizontal if you’re still calculating). Since of course his face would be positioned so that he only looks up, he probably hit one too many archs, mailboxes, glass doors, and a WannaBe that a brick has more IQ than he does.

Of course, each campus needs a news broadcaster, and this is where PMSing Unpaid Bitch comes into play. She literally has no former life, and she lives on other people’s miseries, and if they are happy she would make them miserable. She would create dramas that put Spanish soap operas to shame and center then around herself. Then she expects sympathy out of everyone so that they tell her their secrets, then she goes and broadcasts them like a military loudspeaker. And don’t start with when she doesn’t get laid. ROCKET FIRE!

There are just too many to mention and keep track of in one blog. I’d write about the rest some other day maybe. Till the next episode of the celebration, don’t be like any of the above people. I’d hate you. I’d hunt you down and let you eat your own placenta. Even if you’re a guy.

  • Hamza

    Yep. Till this day I regret introducing you to the Ghost (although I still consider him one of my best friends).
    I think me and you together have tolerated many queer characters who I believe that their existence is still questionable to God.
    But try to imagine a new reality show where the 5 of them have to live together…
    OMG OMG OMG

  • Hamza

    Yep. Till this day I regret introducing you to the Ghost (although I still consider him one of my best friends). I think me and you together have tolerated many queer characters who I believe that their existence is still questionable to God.But try to imagine a new reality show where the 5 of them have to live together…OMG OMG OMG

  • Elijah

    LOL kj I really feel sorry for u, thank God I have my own office (for now) and I don’t have to put up with people like that.

    But what surprised me is that you watch Rachel Ray??? Seriously?? I can’t stand her loud shrill high-pitched voice for a second!

  • Elijah

    LOL kj I really feel sorry for u, thank God I have my own office (for now) and I don’t have to put up with people like that.But what surprised me is that you watch Rachel Ray??? Seriously?? I can’t stand her loud shrill high-pitched voice for a second!

  • Kinan

    Oh Mr. WannaBe-DJ/Hairball was the worst I guess. arrrgh!

    Ghost in the Dorms has turned into a full time Ghost now, you can “sense” him roaming the roads of Kuwait in his car-from-the-next-realm.

    One note to elijah: I know it’s really sad that KJ watches that stupid loud crazy wanna-be cook! KJ grow up :P

  • Kinan

    Oh Mr. WannaBe-DJ/Hairball was the worst I guess. arrrgh!Ghost in the Dorms has turned into a full time Ghost now, you can “sense” him roaming the roads of Kuwait in his car-from-the-next-realm. One note to elijah: I know it’s really sad that KJ watches that stupid loud crazy wanna-be cook! KJ grow up :P

  • Steven Novak

    The Rachel Ray thing kinda weirded me out as well.

    Just being honest. ;)

    Steve~

  • Steven Novak

    The Rachel Ray thing kinda weirded me out as well. Just being honest. ;)Steve~

  • KJ

    Hamza:
    Well I guess I would have you two get married then :P

    elijah, steve:
    I certainly DO NOT WATCH her! She is SICK! If you want the truth then my cousin Kinan is the one who watches her! Here is SMS transactions:

    KI: ….rachel ray has coined a term that has been included in the Oxford dictionary. *kills self*

    KJ: I don’t know which is more disturbing, the fact you mentioned or the fact that you watch rachel ray to begin with

  • KJ

    Hamza:Well I guess I would have you two get married then :Pelijah, steve:I certainly DO NOT WATCH her! She is SICK! If you want the truth then my cousin Kinan is the one who watches her! Here is SMS transactions:KI: ….rachel ray has coined a term that has been included in the Oxford dictionary. *kills self*KJ: I don’t know which is more disturbing, the fact you mentioned or the fact that you watch rachel ray to begin with